The Creative Power of Pain: Transforming Trauma into Growth
For the third entry of my blog, I would like to introduce two captivating stories that shed light on personal development. We all experience various forms of trauma, each unique to our personal journey. These experiences are deeply personal and should not be compared in terms of severity. The question, then, is how can we transform these experiences into a creative force? As Rumi beautifully said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
The first story centers around the show “Baby Reindeer,” which is currently creating a buzz across various platforms on the web. “Baby Reindeer” is a deeply personal narrative that explores the author’s experiences with trauma and its aftermath. Like many others, I was instantly hooked by its compelling narrative and powerful themes. The show illustrates how personal trauma can become a catalyst for profound growth and creativity, echoing Rumi’s insight that our wounds can indeed be sources of illumination and transformation.
The most intriguing part for me is its honest and raw account of an individual struggling with repression to the point of self-hate.
However, let’s start with a quick summary of the show. If you want to watch the show without being influenced by my perception, you should probably stop reading here.
Baby Reindeer:
“Baby Reindeer” is a British black comedy drama-thriller miniseries created by Richard Gadd, based on his autobiographical one-man show. The series, which premiered on Netflix in April 2024, explores Gadd’s harrowing experiences with a female stalker, the impact on his life, and his journey to confront buried trauma.
The plot follows Donny Dunn, an aspiring comedian who works as a bartender in London. His life takes a dark turn when he encounters Martha, a woman who begins to stalk him obsessively. Martha’s relentless harassment escalates from online comments and messages to physical confrontations and manipulation, deeply affecting Donny’s personal and professional life.
Parallel to his struggle with Martha, Donny grapples with a traumatic past involving Darrien, a TV writer who groomed and sexually assaulted him under the guise of mentorship. This experience leaves Donny emotionally scarred and affects his relationships, particularly with Teri, a transgender therapist he dates but initially hides his true identity from due to shame.
The series delves into themes of trauma, shame, and the complex dynamics of victimhood and perpetration. Donny’s journey is a raw and candid portrayal of dealing with the long-lasting effects of abuse and the challenging path to reclaiming one’s life.
Ultimately, the story is a powerful examination of how past traumas can resurface and intersect with present challenges, forcing Donny to confront and publicly reveal his deepest wounds during a pivotal comedy performance, which goes viral and alters the course of his life.
Analysis through Oedipus:
While the show provides many interesting layers, I want to focus on the parts that are connected to Oedipus, providing a specific analysis of the underlying sources driving Donny.
We don’t know much about Donny’s childhood, but the show offers some insights into his father’s behavior. His father expresses anger vividly and with strong language and was clearly oedipalized by being socialized in a Scotland influenced by the Christian church. It is fair to assume that the sexual repression experienced by his father and being pushed into the normative family-triangle left a lasting mark on Donny himself, which he is unaware of.
In the first part of the show, Donny is on the straight path of Oedipus: trying to channel his desires into the regular dream—girlfriend, career, money, and fame. However, at least the last part is not going too well. He is struggling with the pursuit of becoming a comedian. His underlying drive for attention makes him susceptible to his later abuser and then his stalker alike:
“… to face my own fears, well, it is not long before I’m around his house, taking boatloads of drugs every weekend. And isn’t getting groomed magical? Until you realize you are actually getting groomed. Until you are passing out from GHB on his living-room couch, while he tears at your trousers with his disgusting hands. And you know it’s wrong, deep down, what he is making you do. But you just keep going back. And you start to think, ‘Is my self-respect so fucking low, is my lust for success so fucking high, that I will repeatedly go back to this man’s house and let him abuse me for a little peep at fame?’ ‘Oh you’re a victim. You mustn’t blame yourself.’ Good sentiment, but let’s be honest, the fourth or fifth time you’ve passed out and woken up with your dick in his mouth, you should probably think about not going back. But no, I just had to keep going, I just had to get fucking raped. My confidence is so low that I let this fucking mad bitch into my life. I work in a bar, and I gave her this cup of tea on the house. She was crying and I wanted to cheer her up. But she kept coming back in time and time again, and I knew she was growing attached, but I still went along with it to satisfy my own stupid need for attention. Hence to face. She did this to me. You see, that’s what abuse does to you, you know? It made me this sticking plaster for all of life’s weirdos. This open wound for them to sniff at. I knew she was mad, and I knew she was dangerous, but she flattered me, and that was enough. I met this trans woman. You should see her. She is the most beautiful person you’ve ever met, and I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t… love her. And I see it now, I see what it was that I lost in her. Moreover, I see why I messed it up in the way that I did. And it’s because of this, right? It’s because I loved one thing in this world more than I did her, right? One thing. And you know what that one thing was? Hating myself. I love it. I’m addicted to it. I don’t know anything else. Because God forbid ever taking a chance at life. God forbid ever taking a chance at happiness. And that’s why I messed it up with her. Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her. And I loved her so much. I’ve spent my whole life running away.”
That account is so powerful for me because he managed to take an honest look. He did not just blame anyone and anything, constructing an identity in pure victimhood. No, he also recognized his own role in that story.
People of the world don’t look at themselves, and so they blame one another.
Rumi
Donny expresses awareness and claims agency in the creation of his experienced hardships. Either by coming back and perpetuating a dynamic or surrendering to situations that would get him into deep trouble.
It was like my life began three decades in, and all I needed to do to achieve it was to be honest with myself. And sometimes I would find myself in the freefall of happiness and wonder what it was in me that kept it in for so long. What it was in me that felt so afraid.
Donny
Furthermore, the series vividly illustrates how societal expectations and internalized norms influence behavior. Donny’s difficulty in addressing his trauma and his confused sexual identity are compounded by societal pressures and the internalization of repressive norms. This internal conflict is a manifestation of the ego’s struggle against the societal constructs that inhibit genuine self-expression and fulfillment.
The series critiques traditional psychoanalytic frameworks by showing how societal structures and personal traumas intersect to shape desires and behaviors. Donny’s experiences reflect the repressive impact of these structures, leading to a fragmented and often painful journey toward self-understanding and healing.
Another aspect of the story I want to highlight: eventually, he got his wish for fame granted—his autobiographic show was a resounding success—but it came at a price.
Analysis of Donny’s Story through the Lens of Djinn Mythology
In the show “Baby Reindeer,” Donny’s journey reflects the classic cautionary tales involving djinn, where wishes granted often come with unforeseen and perilous consequences. This metaphor highlights the danger of desires driven by ego, societal pressures, and repressed traumas.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Donny’s quest for fame and attention is akin to the wish made to a djinn. His deep-seated desires, shaped by his traumatic past and societal expectations, lead him down a dark and destructive path. Just as in the tales where the granted wishes turn into curses, Donny’s wish for success results in personal and emotional turmoil.
Self-Awareness and the Danger of Repressed Desires
The less you are aware of yourself and your patterns, the more likely it is that what you wish for will turn into something detrimental. Donny’s lack of self-awareness and his repressed traumas manifest in his unhealthy relationships and destructive behavior. This mirrors the traditional stories where suppressed desires, once unleashed, lead to disaster.
Ego, Subconscious, and Social Norms
Ego-driven and socially-instilled desires can often lead to harmful consequences. Donny’s struggles are compounded by societal pressures to conform to certain norms, such as success and heterosexual relationships, which were probably in conflict with his sexual orientation from the beginning. These desires, influenced by external expectations rather than genuine self-awareness, ultimately result in a loss of control and personal crisis.
The Inevitable Catch
There is always a catch with wishes. In Donny’s case, the price of his desires is his mental and emotional well-being and the creation of a period of massive hardships. His story serves as a modern-day cautionary tale: be careful what you wish for, as it might be granted, manifesting in a very different way than you would have hoped for or expected.
“Baby Reindeer” is a powerful exploration of the psychological effects of trauma. Through the lens of the Primordial State and Deleuze and Guattari’s concepts, Donny’s story can be seen as a profound struggle against the innate sense of lack and the societal forces that shape and often distort our desires and behaviors. His journey underscores the need for a deeper understanding of the subconscious drives that influence our actions and the importance of addressing trauma to achieve a more balanced and fulfilling existence. It is also a powerful illustration of how unexamined desires and repressed traumas can lead to unforeseen and damaging consequences.
The ending of the show is a clear hint at the circularity of patterns. I’m planning to get into this topic.
While Donny’s story is very worldly and therefore relatable, for the second part of the entry, I want to focus on the story of Isaac, a fictional character from the show “Castlevania,” which is easily one of my favorites. The creators did a fantastic job of disclosing the motives of every character, making them (or aspects of them) relatable and their actions understandable.
Isaac’s arc is a powerful narrative of agency, growth, and forgiveness, making him one of the most compelling characters in “Castlevania.” His journey is about creating self-awareness and spiritual awakening, which is why I chose his appearance and quote for the initiation of this blog.
Again, if you want to avoid spoilers, please stop right here:
Isaac undergoes the most intriguing transformations in the series. Introduced in Season 2, he is one of Dracula’s two human generals and a Devil Forgemaster, a necromancer who can create and control night creatures. His backstory is marked by enslavement, brutal abuse, and trauma, which fuel his deep-seated hatred for humanity.
Isaac journey of becoming human:
Isaac’s arc is a powerful narrative of agency, growth, and forgiveness, making him one of the most compelling characters in “Castlevania.” His journey is about creating self-awareness and spiritual awakening, which is why I chose his appearance and quote for the initiation of this blog.
Again, if you want to avoid spoilers, please stop right here:
Isaac, one of the central characters in Netflix’s “Castlevania,” experiences one of the most compelling and transformative character arcs in the series. Introduced in Season 2, Isaac is one of Dracula’s two human generals and a Devil Forgemaster, a necromancer who can create and control night creatures. His backstory is marked by enslavement, brutal abuse and trauma, which fuels his deep-seated hatred for humanity.
Early Life and Service to Dracula
Isaac’s early life was fraught with cruelty and violence. As a former slave, he was subjected to severe abuse by his previous master. This mistreatment left him with a profound distrust and hatred for humanity. His encounter with Dracula, who rescues him from a group of bandit magicians intending to sell his body parts, marks a pivotal moment in his life. Grateful for the rescue and sharing a common disdain for humanity, Isaac becomes a loyal follower of Dracula, dedicated to aiding in his master’s quest to exterminate mankind.
Season 2: Loyalty and Vengeance
In Season 2, Isaac is depicted as fiercely loyal to Dracula, willing to go to great lengths to fulfill Dracula’s vision of annihilating humanity. He views his role as a tool to bring about Dracula’s will, finding purpose in his master’s grand design. Isaac’s commitment is unwavering, and he remains steadfast even as Dracula’s other general, Hector, begins to doubt their mission. This season establishes Isaac’s initial characterization as a vengeful and loyal servant, driven by his past traumas and the belief that humanity is irredeemable.
Season 3: A Quest for Revenge
Following Dracula’s defeat at the end of Season 2, Isaac embarks on a journey to avenge his fallen master. Season 3 sees Isaac traversing different lands, gathering an army of night creatures, and seeking out those who betrayed Dracula. His path is one of relentless vengeance, fueled by his hatred and grief. However, during his travels, Isaac encounters various individuals who challenge his worldview.
One significant encounter is with the Captain, a wise and philosophical sea captain who imparts valuable lessons to Isaac. The Captain encourages Isaac to think for himself and consider creating his own story rather than merely following the will of others. This conversation plants the seeds of change in Isaac, prompting him to reflect on his purpose and the potential for personal growth.
I: I’m too angry. I cannot find myself. I cannot pray, I cannot see God.
C: Tell me the story, Isaac. The night is long, and sailors like stories.
I: I was a member of Dracula’s court.
C: Dracula, oh, this should be good. Dracula, the vampire king? Dracula, who wants to kill everyone in Wallachia?
I: Everyone in the world. All the humans.
C: Including you?
I: I assumed that eventually this would include me, yes.
C: So, working for Dracula was like a suicidal long way round?
I: Perhaps. I find the human race worthless, and I suspect a fresh start would be good for the world.
C: Present company excepted, of course? So, you were planning on killing everyone in the world. I knew you wouldn’t be boring. I cannot, however, fail to note that I am still here. And you are not in Wallachia. What happened?
I: His castle was attacked. Dracula threw me to the desert through a magic mirror. To save my life.
C: That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to kill all the people of the earth.
I: He was confused. He was grieving. There were other vampires conspiring against him. And they were aided by another human in the court.
C: He was certainly confused. And also betrayed. You just can’t get the staff anymore. Believe me, I know. You should talk to some of the freaks I have on my crew. And now you’re sailing back to Europe to find Dracula?
I: I believe he is dead. I have other reasons to return. I was given this by a man in Tunis. (presenting a magic mirror) It showed me that the other in the court is being kept prisoner by one of the vampires who schemed against Dracula.
C: That’s a nice gift, though.
I: The man who gave it to me said it was in exchange for saving him from Hell when he died. After which, the men-at-arms of Tunis attempted to drive us out, because they were full of hatred and fear, like all people.
C: Did he laugh when he said it?
I: He did, actually.
C: Then it was a gift. I mean, can you save people from Hell?
I: I am a forgemaster. I can take demons from Hell and install them in dead bodies on Earth.
C: That’s quite a trick.
I: It is a skill, learned over many years. Vampires cannot do it. It requires a human connection.
C: Why? Vampires can learn magic.
I: Not this magic. Hell is populated by humans who went against the will of God. But the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, says that one day Hell will be emptied, and its doors will rattle in the wind. Through my hand, God lifts the damned from Hell in His mercy to enact their penance on Earth as my soldiers.
C: That’s… I thought I’d heard every story, but that’s new to me. And you learned how to do this.
I: I did.
C: And other things, too, I’ll mark.
I: I have some other skills.
C: And now you sail to Europe to exact revenge on the people who betrayed your Dracula?
I: I do.
C: Where will you go?
I: Styria, home to Carmilla, who rules that region.
C: And then what? (anticipating the breakdown of desiring machines)
I: What?
C: Well, after you’ve had your blood. What will you do then? Take up Dracula’s cause and kill all the people in the world?
I: I might.
C: Hmm. Have you ever heard this maxim? “If you don’t have your own story, you become part of someone else’s.”
I: I have not.
C: That’s because I invented it. You’re welcome.
I: You saw that I have a knife, right?
C: Hear me out. Why live out a dead vampire’s story when you have your own story to tell? Dracula’s “story,” as you put it, is right and good. The human race is poisonous and corrupt and should be wiped off the world.
C: And yet yesterday, a man gave you a gift and made a joke. But all you really remember is the port authority running you and your beasties out of town.
I: Do you deny our species is cruel, Captain?
C: No. I’ve been cruel. It’s a cruel world. Maybe we do all deserve to die. But maybe we could do better, too. If you kill us all, you end human cruelty, yes. But you end human kindness, too. No more jokes. No more gifts. No more surprises. Why would a man with all your fantastic knowledge not use it to teach people how to be kind?
I: What?
C: Revenge is good. Bastards need punishing. But after you win, and you control their region, you become a ruler of a place, Isaac.
I: I do not.
C: You do. By right of conquest. You can lead, Isaac. Just like you lead your beasties up there. What could your rule be like if you just taught people?
I: I would like more water.
C: Then you shall have it, Isaac the Forgemaster. My gift, given freely.
Season 4: Transformation and Agency
Isaac’s character arc reaches its peak in Season 4. His journey, initially driven by vengeance, evolves into one of self-discovery and transformation. Isaac begins to question his role as a mere tool of destruction and starts to see himself as an individual with the power to shape his own destiny. This shift is highlighted in his interactions with his night creatures, where he recognizes their potential for more than just instruments of war.
A pivotal moment occurs when Isaac declines Varney’s offer to revive Dracula. Varney, a vampire from Dracula’s court, seeks Isaac’s help to bring Dracula back to life and continue their campaign against humanity. Isaac, however, chooses to prioritize his own goals over the resurrection of his master. This decision marks a significant departure from his previous loyalty and demonstrates his newfound sense of agency.
Isaac’s forgiveness of Hector is another crucial aspect of his transformation. When he confronts Hector in Styria, instead of killing him, Isaac forgives him, recognizing that they were both manipulated and used by Dracula. This act of forgiveness signifies Isaac’s growth and his ability to move beyond his past grudges.
Philosophical Underpinnings and Final Reflections
Isaac’s evolution is also influenced by philosophical reflections. He contemplates the nature of his existence and the choices he makes. The line, “You can use a hammer to build a house or crack a skull,” encapsulates his realization that his abilities can be used for creation as well as destruction. Isaac’s discussions with his night creatures and his reflections on his past actions underscore his complex journey towards self-realization and agency.
In the end, Isaac’s arc is about reclaiming his humanity and choosing a path of creation over destruction. His journey from a vengeful servant to a self-aware individual seeking to build a better future is one of the most compelling aspects of “Castlevania.” Isaac’s transformation highlights themes of forgiveness, growth, and the power of choice, making his character arc one of the most satisfying and impactful in the series.
Isaac’s journey in “Castlevania” serves as a testament to the possibility of change and the importance of finding one’s own path, even in the face of past traumas and deep-seated hatred. His story is a powerful narrative of redemption and the pursuit of a better future, standing out as one of the most memorable elements of the show.
Isaac has change:
What do you think? It took me a few weeks to transform the viable bodies in the city. Weeks more to effect repairs and bury those too destroyed to convert. Is it so bad to take my time and think for a moment? Have I changed? Go on, say something. I killed you, old wizard. You must have an opinion on that. No? I have killed many people, old wizard, for many reasons. But killing you felt just. It felt like repairing the world a little. I liked that feeling. For a long time, I was content to be the knife that others wielded. But lately, old wizard, I have felt more like the hand than the knife. My whole life, I have reacted to things. Rarely acted. So, yes, I have changed. I have agency in this world. I can create futures. And happily, I could create a future and end yours at the same time. God is good. I wonder what I will do next.
Isaac
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Literature Index
Rumi (2004) The Masnavi: Book One. Translated by Jawid Mojaddedi. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
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